Another thought

I have lately been wondering about beauty. All humans have some sort of concept of beauty, granted they will differ between different people but it is a concept that is there, no matter who you are.
We have different cultural examples here and there of what beauty is. The American example of course is that women should have a large bust but a comparatively small body and a man should be a chiseled piece of rock. And there are numerous other things.

But in embracing this idea, I had to ask myself "What is beauty?"

Because I don't think that beauty can only be appearance based but, at the same time if we want to say that immaterial things can contribute to the concept, there has to be a time and place where the physical ideas of beauty has to captivate us before we can understand the immaterial beauty.

I don't think we can understand physical beauty though without an appreciation of a immaterial or spiritual beauty. And if there is truly an immaterial beauty what do we gauge that by?
I think that we have to gauge beauty by what God says about man.

I remember a while back seeing a commercial about a group that was promoting positive self-image. And it was having people, especially young women, promising to see themselves as beautiful. And my gut reaction was "What are you saying is beautiful?"

And I've been stuck in this place. What is beauty? What does God say beauty is? What is finding worth in my Savior?

I think God would probably say that being beautiful is perusing conformation and transformation to His Image.
I find my beauty in Christ my Savior, who has presented me a chance to conform to the Image of God.

A thought on beliefs.

Between two of my classes lately, I have been thinking a lot about different belief systems and how people form Worldviews. I'll admit I wasn't really concerned with the Worldview aspect but, a thought that continued to bug and come back to me and it really started to make me think.

Is it really possible that someone can completely hold on to and live out all of the things they believe?

I quickly came to an answer. NO! I was shocked at my own answer.

Isn't the point of adhering to some sort of believe system to perfect yourself compared to it?

Yes, that is the point but, you really can't do it in reality.
It is unfortunately wishful thinking to believe that you can become perfect.
In Christianity, you can't because, even though you hope to sin less the more mature you become you cannot become sinless.
In other Worldviews, you can't completely follow all of the tenets, even if you want to, because reality dictates that some of these things that people believe just cant happen.

So the major point of this for me has been self examination. It's important to me because I know what I what I believe and I know that I don't/can't yet live up to it. I have hopes though for better things to come my way.

Attempt Number 4

I have been trying to write something on here the last few nights and I just cant stick to any one thought. I had, each of the last few nights, started to write something and the out of nowhere decided it wasn't even good enough to continue writing. A continual question of not being good enough has invaded my mind and I don't exactly know why. But in the same hand this question of not being good enough has provoked another question.

"Who am I not good enough for?"

Do you ever stop and ask yourself that question when in a moment of strong self doubt? I forget to. A lot. The "Who" in that question is probably more important than the fact that you obviously don't feel adequate(although that is important too.) Who do we try to impress in our attempts to become better? A friend, spouse, some significant other, your boss, a random stranger, or do you do this with God?

I find myself trying to impress God quite a bit. I don't think though that he wants to be impressed. I think that God wants our hearts and because he has our hearts, we will become better.

I don't think that God would even want to be impressed with us. First off I don't think God could be impressed with us. Because really what are we? Check Psalm 8. "What is man that you are mindful of him? What is man that you care for him?"

We are insignificantly significant and I think I can be okay with that. Can you?

We are not made to show off, be prideful, or boastful, and I'm sick of myself when I do these things.

So back to the question, "Who am I not good enough for?" I think that the World encourages us to never settle. To type that feels contrary to my nature, to even acknowledge that in some ways settling is a Christian virtue and not a Worldly virtue. And maybe it's not so much that settling is a Christian virtue but rather that we strive and have aspirations for different things.

Am I good enough for God? This is the next question that just naturally came. I think that the answer that came shocked me even though it is true for me and the truth for you as well and will always be true. We are good enough for God. He loves as we are and when we come to him, anything that is not right before him, he will heal in time if we let him. And so now another question.

"Who am I good enough for?"

The Creator and Master of the Universe. That's who.

A new idea(well an old idea but, I'm trying to accept it again)

I think I'm going to let today worry about today.

Experiment

Sometimes we do odd things in order to understand the world around and ourselves. I think that this is typically a good thing. We test our limits. We try and get a better idea of these limits too. I don't have any other reason for why we do these things, besides that we want to understand. We want more knowledge of things that are not necessarily unknown but rather abstract in a way.
Scientists do this all the time. They take a concept that is either foreign or maybe just something that no one has really thought about in a while and then they test it.
I think sometimes that we wonder if God is like a scientist. I accept that God knows everything, so he's not looking to gain more knowledge but, sometimes it seems that with the things we go through in life are merely tests, or experiments, if you will, that serve only to show how much stress we can take before we snap. I think that sometimes we could even relate our individual relationships with God to a post-mortem bone density test.(basically they put a bone in a vice and measure the pressure it takes to snap the bone.)
But I don't think we could, in all sincerity, veiw God like this truthfully. Granted there are times that in our relationship with God we have growing pains and we are stretched but, it is not in God's character to stretch us so far that we snap. God is a loving god! And that is why we go through different times of stretching and growth.
In some ways this may seem contrary but, it is truth. God loves us enough to let us get hurt. He doesn't go out of his way to make sure that we are in pain or agony but, he lets the decisions we make effect us positively or negatively depending on what we are really looking for.

So back to this concept of experiments... I have no clue how long this will take but, I'm going to try to do it anyway.
I have a brick and I am going to put a hole through it. I will only use my fingers. I will poke the brick in the same spot with each of my four fingers on my left hand 25 times(100) before I go to bed.
There are two goals. One is that I will be able to wear a hole through a brick. And a secondary goal is that I will toughen up my finger tips a bit more for guitar and bass playing.

Another one of those ones

Sometimes it seems that I rarely ever talk about things on an emotional level, in some extremes I have been called a robot in how little it seems that I go off of emotions. Emotions are good, don't get me wrong but, sometimes it also seems that people go off of their emotions too much.
I think that people, myself included, to find more of a middle ground. Like I said before emotions are important but so is self control. The Bible talks a whole lot more about self control than it does being in touch with your emotions. Actually I don't think the Bible really says anything about emotions.
Now I don't say that to be antagonistic but I do say that fully accepting it as truth. I do however think that emotions falls into the realm of what needs to be controlled. Emotions are a part of 'self'.
I don't know I'm just being a little weird. oh well.

Challenges

I know that each day presents it's own little challenges but, sometimes I wish that I could know when I'm being challenged. This isn't necessarily a new thought but it is kind of new to me. I don't really like some of the challenges I come across in my life whether I have conquered or fail challenges I have not been a huge fan.
But, I'm reminded that this is what Christian life is about. The Christian walk or journey, if you will, is full of personal challenges and also challenges that effect more than just you and me. Sometimes though I feel that I would like to get past all that, but I continually remember that I shouldn't give up. I see people giving up all the time and it's frustrating. I feel that people give up way too easily.
Don't get me wrong, there are times in our lives that giving up, in some capacities, is far more effective and beneficial to our overall goal, but most of the time when people do give up it is because something is "Too hard". I find myself saying that sometimes and when I hear myself say that I am quite honestly sickened with myself. I know there are times when saying something is "Too hard" happens to be merely acknowledging the fact that whatever it is that we are trying to achieve may be outside of our levels of skill but many times when people say something is "Too hard" they've only looked at a problem or an obstacle in a couple ways and have not even dug into their full potential.

Oh great, I've turned this into another rant.

I am however pleased lately, to see people rise to the occasion and continue to go after and achieve things that are difficult. Things that hurt to gain. Things you have to sacrifice for. Sacrifice is never 'fun' but it is beneficial.

untitled poem

I wrote this last april.

Sometimes I think about the color of the soul.
Like the soul is not tangible, I know but,
I think it maybe might just be,
Something you can see.
And if you can see it
It’s blue and yellow I bet.
Not green not a mixture of the two.
It’s both, separated.
I remember the times,
When others would try to blow minds
By being creative,
By writing Christian poetry.
And they’d talk about the S-O-N sunshine,
It didn’t make sense but, I would find the truth
in their scrawled out lines.
I have no rights to say I’m creative,
I’m given this mind to use, not waste it.
I’ve wasted it before
and ended up on the floor
bruised and broken
wheezing and choking
on blood pouring out of my mouth
welling up from my heart.
Lord God, once again give me a new start
find the inadequacies in me
that I won’t let them see.
and throw me in the fire
to burn away life’s living mire.
the impurities in this heart that sit
make me worthless and ill-equipped.
forget the analogy, and
let’s say what this actually.
The sin I put inside of me
has torn myself from Thee.
And my heart feels hot and cold…
…and I wonder why I’m rhyming consistently.
Could it be that I’m enamored
with the God who has hammered
out my dings and nicks
and has made me a new creation
prepared to worship in all situations.

I've been thinking

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me, within the context of me trying to grow in Christ. I know that all Christians have these moments but, I guess I've just been contemplating and entertaining these thoughts for a little while.
One thing that I came across in my reflections on scripture yesterday was that I don't nearly take sin seriously enough.
Not that I think that sin ought to be revered or anything like that(mainly cause that's heresy) but, I rarely ever stop and say or even really think "This will kill me if I keep doing this."
Somewhere along the way the American church has lost the gravity of sin.
I cant help but, believe that when Jesus went to the cross with the full intention of dying, that he knew the severity and the gravity of the ramifications of his actions. He took on everyone's sin. And he did so with seriousness and purpose.
What am I trying to say here.
Quite simply that the fact that I don't drop down to my knees and beg forgiveness, the moment I am aware of my sin is appalling. Granted, I cannot perfectly examine my heart and know or understand all that's there but, these thoughts have just made me aware of how numb I am to my own depravity.
I know this can be true of others so I am now turning this on to the reader. How often do you lay your heart out before the Lord in humility asking God to show you where sin, vile, disgusting sin lies? How often do you surrender your desires to give yourself more fully to God?
God is good and forgiving but he is also holy and no unclean thing can be in his presence. Ask God to bless you with cleanliness and that he would purge you of sin.

I don't think that really anyone likes feeling this way

I really, really, REALLY do not like times in my life where those around me think they have me all figured out. I know I that do this to people too and I'm trying to do it less, but it is something I really still do not like.
We've been talking in one of my classes lately about how man is made in the image of God. One thing I have been thinking about is how we as humans cannot fully know God or the hows and whys of what he does. And if we are truly made in the image of God, aren't there going to be things about us that cannot fully be understood by another human.
Of course God sees all of us and understands us but, what about others? Other humans cannot know the 'hows' or 'whys', other humans cannot know the intentions of my heart, unless I tell them. I include myself as a recipient in this next piece of advice.

Stop acting like you know everything.

Because you don't.

I have my moments(as stated above) that I think I got someone all figured out and that I understand their motives and goals, but I am finding more and more that this form of judging(cause that's what it is) is totally destroying my opportunities for sharing the love of Christ for others. When I'm doing this I am unintentionally trying to hinder God's work in my own and other people's lives. Which is sin.

I love God and I'm trying to live like I say I believe. Praise God for new relizations.

an angry thought

you know how there are times in your life you're mad about something and you do something stupid when you're still upset? Well I didn't do anything really that I regret but still feel upset and stupid. i was pissed about an assignment that I do not understand how to do and it is worth a quarter of my grade and i can't even get a start on it. due tommorow.
so I cut my beard down. and now I'm itchy. i feel dumb.

this is something I wrote a while back

Like the title says I wrote a while back and I feel OK about sharing it now.


"Challenged by the love of unresting, unwavering God. I am afraid of the fact that He sees me as something, as someone, who is worthy of His love. Mind you it is not because of something I have done, for I have been painted red. Reddened by the blood of dreams I have slaughtered, mercilessly. Out of my selfishness I have oddly seen how I've hurt you. You, blameless in all ways. Corrupted, by all my ways. Not shunned by your father for loving the unclean."

tuesdays with adam

I think from now on Tuesdays will probably be my busiest day of the week. Besides going to class today I had three other things go on today that are probably going to be consistent. It was a real pleasure to be around people that were thinking today. and not just like "what am I going to do tonight?" type thinking but, "what does God what me to do with my life?" type thinking. Physically i hurt pretty bad but spiritually I feel pretty good, which a wonder in its own right.

I'm Brilliant but, Misunderstood

I don't exactly know what I'm looking for in myself but, the problem is that I'm looking to myself. I sometimes feel that I look too quickly at my life and base it off of my own experiences and not what God may have for me in comparison.
This isn't just me but a lot of people do this: Sometimes I feel guilty when what I believe God wants me to do is something that I want too. I think this is pretty stupid but, I still operate in this view that God doesn't want us to have fun. Unfortunately the part of Scripture that says "Have Fun" was cut out at the Council of Nicea(2ND Hesitations) jk.
I think that a lot of us go about thinking that way. we get this crazy idea that because the Bible doesn't speak about having fun that it's not allowed but, the Bible says that God is the "Joy Bringer" and although fun and happiness and joy are not exactly synonymous I think that they have to relate. oh well just a thought.

A little bit sad.

I don't know exactly what it is but, I'm more sad than I was the other day. I had a legitimate reason to be sad about something in the first place but, now I don't know what the new reason is but, it is something stronger than before. But I now have to except that God is still God , no matter how I feel about Him.

Absent Minded

i don't really like the way I feel right now. It is weird how the unintentional things people do hurt more sometimes then when people try to cause me pain. I had both happen today and really preferred the intentional hurt over the unintentional. I am probably not making sense right now but that is okay. I think.
I need to accept more and more that there are going to be people that fall into both categories all through out my life. I don't want to hold to grudges i need to hold to God's promises. And His truth.

Dressed For Success

I'm sick of trying to impress people. I know we all have this innate desire to be better than those around us but just cause it is part doesn't mean I have to like it right?
I don't want to be the guy who only finds value in what he can do i want to be somebody that has found value because God has decided to reside in me. I want to be the guy that becomes holy not because of any goodness of my own but rather God's goodness.
I made an observation tonight. As human beings are social creatures we want attention. The people I was hanging out with tonight seemed very much wanting lots of attention. I don't mean that to be judgemental or whatever but if you get pissed I really won't bend. Wanting attention isn't a bad thing in and of itself is not a bad thing but people (including myself) go about getting attention in bad ways. Like doing dangerous things, I will admit that I like doing dangerous and stupid things but my love of that is not dependent on being around people or not. Granted having spectators does make most people willing to do more but it is more or less just entertaining people with tricks like an animal.
Speaking of animals, I wish I could catch a bear and train him to ride a unicycle while playing "The Star Spangled Banner", But thats another story for another day.
I'll keep it simple, I don't know what I think about weird phenomeon but something weird has happened to me and I realized and week or so ago and I was just reminded of it again today. I have recieved atleast 1 new cut on my hands a week for about the last year and a half. it is kind of weird but i don't know if it means anything. oh well.

a change of heart

I am kind of ok with the new students, they smile really easily which I really like.
It's easy to be bitter especially when we don't completely know what we're bitter about. I don't know if bitter is the best word here but it certainly could describe my attitude. I think a more accurate way to say it is that I allowed myself to be defeated by my own crappy attitude. But I have a full school year to get to know people and I should be patient and not have false hopes in hoping that lasting friendships grow quick. huh, that wording was confusing oh well. good stuff.

i dont know what to call this one

I need to give it time i know but, i'm not really liking the new students. And i dont think its that i dont really like them but rather they're already forming their little groups and I'm too intimidated to bother talking to them . I'm going to stick with that it will talk some time.

thoughts for today

Sometimes i think it is too easy to say that I am broken and scarred by the things from my past. it seems sometimes like a plea for attention. to be honest with myself i don't have it that bad. yes there are things in my life past and present that hurt to think about and to acknowledge that they've made me different. But i still think that it is way too easy to jump onto this "I'm scarred, I'm broken." bandwagon. It actually kind of pisses me off to tell the truth. Real brokenness comes from knowing God. It doesn't come from your past it comes from the present. Brokenness is knowing that God is King and that you are nothing in comparison.

I guess what makes me mad about this is that people willingly hold onto these things, whatever they may be, from the past and don't acknowledge that God, through Christ wants to heal these 'scars'.
It reminds me of the whole "the dogs return to their vomit'',thing. people don't really want to give up their pain and the things that hurt them because A) they want to have something to be upset about; B) they want something to define them; and C) to do this means surrenduring control.

I want to be a person that submits to God. And I'm finding more and more that a large aspect of surrending control, at least in my life, is forgiving those who have hurt me, including myself and truly forgetting the wrong they have done me. That is not really easy, but it is worth doing. And forgetting in my experience is not turning a blind eye a to a problem and ignoring it but, moving on after the situation has been corrected.

We should use our past as a point of reference, not as a list of what has gone wrong with our lives but rather a reflection on journey towards better understanding and loving God.

This was probably some sort of crazy rant, but let me know what you think.

Recently

I don't exactly know how I feel. Sometimes I know that things are going really good and then it seems that one little thing tears me apart. And I cant seem to get over it until I hit something. I am working on tearing out a tree stump today so that will be what I hit.

Things have really good lately and I'm trying really hard to keep peace and balance in my life where it can be permitted. Just now I am at a point where I am trying to determine if what offends me is just a preference thing or it bothers because it's sin I'm leaning towards the former. I don't think anybody likes it but, I am sick of being a cut corner and thrown away. I know those are strong words but at the moment are rather truthful. I am at point with some people that they make my decisions for me before I am even aware of my options and that is not right but I really don't anything to complain about in time it will be resolved.

Last night after worship band practice I had a very interesting opportunity to witness to a couple guys. After practice is done I like to play basketball in the parking lot. I was playing for a few minutes and guy who lived in a nearby house came over to me. He was obviously drunk and he had a beer in his hand and told me that he could hear me playing so he wanted to come over and play HORSE. I told him the truth in that I was actually planning on leaving soon but I decided to play. If he were not drunk I would thought that he was trying to hustle me because he kept telling me that he wasn't that good but he was just making incredible shot after incredible shot. I was at HOR and a friend of his(also drunk) came out of the house to tell him that his food was almost done cooking. He introduced himself to me quickly, his name is Luke. I continued to play and the guy who first came over missed his shot and he started swearing "casually" in his discourse about missing the shot. Luke then said to him, "Dude, you cant swear in God's parking lot." I really was surprised at that. And I said "Luke, you make a good point, but you know, God loves everyone no matter who they are and what they've done." Luke then said back, "Right on, I like that, I love you man, give me a hug." So I was hugged by a drunk guy because he liked what I had to say about God. After that I quickly won the game and the guy who first came over introduced himself, his name is Chris. Chris gave me a hug because we competed and that's what competitors do, I guess.
I am just in awe of God right now. I know those guys were drunk and maybe none of what we talked about that I'm not going to write down sunk in but, God has just reminded that any effort to reach out is not a waste.
Please Pray for Luke and Chris that they would come to better know God.

What?New Post!

I haven't posted in a really long time, but I dont really think it matters as no one is reading this but this has been more of a personal way of coping with reality. I haven't really been talking to my friends lately. Pretty much my only friend that I'm keeping in regular contact with is my brother Karl but, it is not really an effort cause we leave in the same house. about half of my close friends are getting married; all with in my group of close friends, Ben to Leah and Katie to Micah. I'm honestly quite frustrated about it...not that they are getting married but rather that the whole thing makes me feel quite jealous. And I don't really feel jealous in the traditional way, I feel I've been treating them differently since they each became engaged. I'm distant from them and not bothering to communicte, i don't think that is right, but i've noticed they are not the only people i'm ignoring. i don't know when i'll change. Probably today cause i'm addressing this as a problem.

woodlands

I want to go into the woods a child and come back a man. Not like the whole deer hunting analogy, i have no reason to kill a deer, at the moment. I just wish sometimes that the whole process of growing up was more simple. that it could be done in distinct steps and not just this vague mess that it seems to be for everyone.

I spent time with a lot of people last night and it wasn't as hard to do as it's been in the past. A friend of mine said that I over-think and over-complicate almost everything in my life, so I am taking sometime from that and just kind of doing.

I am working on homework on a saturday and that is different than usual. It's late and for a class i just need points for so it'll be alright eventually.

God bless, Adam

i don't know

i just felt like i should post something, it will be lazy and with little punctuation i don't really know how to spell so spellcheck will definately be used, i am sure that i dont know how to spell definately, oh well. I had an abnormal passion to homework done today. The only thing that is weird about that to me is that all i have to do sucks a lot. it is very boring, but i had a friend tell me that her mom always says "If you're bored, it probably means you're boring." so basically i'm not going to take that to heart because it means i should really love homework. enough of that, I don't want anything to do with that. I got back into writing some poetry this last week, I wrote about the late snow and a woman. the woman is weird and the late snow is normal. whatever! i am sick from all the melting but, still loving the smell.

God bless, adam

short post

I don't like the way my mind works some times. I am overly suspicious of those in know I can trust. I don't know why. I think it is part of pushing people away. paranoia sucks!

God bless, adam

PM Thoughts

I know that I'm kind of lame for posting twice in a day but, I thought that the last posts title indicated multiple posts today. I had a really good day today. God is weird and has decided to bless me a lot even though I don't deserve it. My mind has been on the scent of spring and melting snow all day; entirely captivated. I have been put at peace about things I would usually freak out about. I'm really behind in three of my classes. And I'm okay with that. In some ways, this peace could appear to be apathy but, it is not.

Something on Sunday came to my attention that seems rather odd to me. Sunday was to my knowledge the only time in my life that I've felt fat. I've been over-weight like since I was 11....yuck, almost ten years... but, in that whole time I never felt disgusted with my appearance. But just now I don't like my body or how it looks. I've lost 50+ lbs since November 2007, and now when my health is so much better and movement is easier and I have desire to keep being active and lose more is when I don't feel confident. I LOST 50 FREAKIN' POUNDS!!!! Why would I not be confident about that?

I think that God is funny sometimes. I end up saying that a lot. Ironic is perhaps a more accurate wording. I think we tend to see things as objectives instead the broad and vast things they actually are. In some ways I have changed the focus of why I'm trying to lose weight I want to be a man who loves and honors God. First and foremost. The Bible says that man honors God in various ways. Man sings to God, he prays, shouts, weeps, dances. I look at these in a few different categories, man honors God with mouth, heart and body. Starting out in November loosing weight was about honoring God with my body. That out of humility I would be a good steward of what He has blessed me with. And I think now perhaps, that my lack of confidence could be from changing my mind and truly wanting to do this for myself and not for God as much as it was before.

So I guess this has to be about God again...stupid vanity.


God Bless, adam

AM thoughts

I wish there was a way to record and preserve scent. I woke up this morning and while I walked to class I really loved the smell, the smell of things melting and the really late April snow disappearing. I think it is cool how God has made all of the earth around me and yet He had captivated by a scent. I just really appreciated God today.

I heard that there was supposed to be rain tonight, which will be nice but, only if there is some lightning and thunder. I think though that it will probably not be warm enough for the lightning.

My mind is slightly more focused than it has been lately I went to my music class and understood what we were covering when I couldn't understand it all last night, working on the home work. It's ok because I don't like minor scales and chording anyway. But now I understand but will probably forget as soon as school is done.

With the possible above mentioned rain, the amazing scent I smelled this morning may return tomorrow.

God bless, love Adam

Hello

I decided recently that I should start journaling again. I am a broken person. And I need God! So severely! And hello to those of you who like stumble on random blogs, just to let you know that I don't preach that much, yet. What I intend to do with this, is just talk about life, like a blog is intended for and God is my life even when I don't really act like it.

So now that we have gone through this formal introduction garbage I have lately been upset about some stuff in my life. I have recently noticed how controlling I am, not with the intention of hurting people but to "protect" myself. I am really much more shy than I let on and because of that I really don't like to let many people get close to me. I am pretty perceptive person and I am afraid of other perceptive people.

I want people to learn things about me in a controlled environment. It's frustrating to have people understand things about me that I don't tell them. Even more frustrating is that because of this desire for control, I push away those who God has made the most able to love me. There is someone lately in my life that appears to be fairly perceptive that is taking a genuine interest in friendship with me. The weird thing is, that I don't want to push her away. I don't think it is only because of her beauty, but that is still a possibility. I like a lot guys I have my moments of being shallow. She is very sweet and kind, she is fun to be around. I have no delusions of romance, so it makes possible friendship a lot less awkward.

I have been making and succeeding in efforts to be more open with people when it is appropriate, even before this realization that I push away those that love me, and that has been going pretty good.

Jesus loves you. He loves me too. So I guess I love you too.