Dressed For Success

I'm sick of trying to impress people. I know we all have this innate desire to be better than those around us but just cause it is part doesn't mean I have to like it right?
I don't want to be the guy who only finds value in what he can do i want to be somebody that has found value because God has decided to reside in me. I want to be the guy that becomes holy not because of any goodness of my own but rather God's goodness.
I made an observation tonight. As human beings are social creatures we want attention. The people I was hanging out with tonight seemed very much wanting lots of attention. I don't mean that to be judgemental or whatever but if you get pissed I really won't bend. Wanting attention isn't a bad thing in and of itself is not a bad thing but people (including myself) go about getting attention in bad ways. Like doing dangerous things, I will admit that I like doing dangerous and stupid things but my love of that is not dependent on being around people or not. Granted having spectators does make most people willing to do more but it is more or less just entertaining people with tricks like an animal.
Speaking of animals, I wish I could catch a bear and train him to ride a unicycle while playing "The Star Spangled Banner", But thats another story for another day.
I'll keep it simple, I don't know what I think about weird phenomeon but something weird has happened to me and I realized and week or so ago and I was just reminded of it again today. I have recieved atleast 1 new cut on my hands a week for about the last year and a half. it is kind of weird but i don't know if it means anything. oh well.

a change of heart

I am kind of ok with the new students, they smile really easily which I really like.
It's easy to be bitter especially when we don't completely know what we're bitter about. I don't know if bitter is the best word here but it certainly could describe my attitude. I think a more accurate way to say it is that I allowed myself to be defeated by my own crappy attitude. But I have a full school year to get to know people and I should be patient and not have false hopes in hoping that lasting friendships grow quick. huh, that wording was confusing oh well. good stuff.

i dont know what to call this one

I need to give it time i know but, i'm not really liking the new students. And i dont think its that i dont really like them but rather they're already forming their little groups and I'm too intimidated to bother talking to them . I'm going to stick with that it will talk some time.

thoughts for today

Sometimes i think it is too easy to say that I am broken and scarred by the things from my past. it seems sometimes like a plea for attention. to be honest with myself i don't have it that bad. yes there are things in my life past and present that hurt to think about and to acknowledge that they've made me different. But i still think that it is way too easy to jump onto this "I'm scarred, I'm broken." bandwagon. It actually kind of pisses me off to tell the truth. Real brokenness comes from knowing God. It doesn't come from your past it comes from the present. Brokenness is knowing that God is King and that you are nothing in comparison.

I guess what makes me mad about this is that people willingly hold onto these things, whatever they may be, from the past and don't acknowledge that God, through Christ wants to heal these 'scars'.
It reminds me of the whole "the dogs return to their vomit'',thing. people don't really want to give up their pain and the things that hurt them because A) they want to have something to be upset about; B) they want something to define them; and C) to do this means surrenduring control.

I want to be a person that submits to God. And I'm finding more and more that a large aspect of surrending control, at least in my life, is forgiving those who have hurt me, including myself and truly forgetting the wrong they have done me. That is not really easy, but it is worth doing. And forgetting in my experience is not turning a blind eye a to a problem and ignoring it but, moving on after the situation has been corrected.

We should use our past as a point of reference, not as a list of what has gone wrong with our lives but rather a reflection on journey towards better understanding and loving God.

This was probably some sort of crazy rant, but let me know what you think.