woodlands

I want to go into the woods a child and come back a man. Not like the whole deer hunting analogy, i have no reason to kill a deer, at the moment. I just wish sometimes that the whole process of growing up was more simple. that it could be done in distinct steps and not just this vague mess that it seems to be for everyone.

I spent time with a lot of people last night and it wasn't as hard to do as it's been in the past. A friend of mine said that I over-think and over-complicate almost everything in my life, so I am taking sometime from that and just kind of doing.

I am working on homework on a saturday and that is different than usual. It's late and for a class i just need points for so it'll be alright eventually.

God bless, Adam

i don't know

i just felt like i should post something, it will be lazy and with little punctuation i don't really know how to spell so spellcheck will definately be used, i am sure that i dont know how to spell definately, oh well. I had an abnormal passion to homework done today. The only thing that is weird about that to me is that all i have to do sucks a lot. it is very boring, but i had a friend tell me that her mom always says "If you're bored, it probably means you're boring." so basically i'm not going to take that to heart because it means i should really love homework. enough of that, I don't want anything to do with that. I got back into writing some poetry this last week, I wrote about the late snow and a woman. the woman is weird and the late snow is normal. whatever! i am sick from all the melting but, still loving the smell.

God bless, adam

short post

I don't like the way my mind works some times. I am overly suspicious of those in know I can trust. I don't know why. I think it is part of pushing people away. paranoia sucks!

God bless, adam

PM Thoughts

I know that I'm kind of lame for posting twice in a day but, I thought that the last posts title indicated multiple posts today. I had a really good day today. God is weird and has decided to bless me a lot even though I don't deserve it. My mind has been on the scent of spring and melting snow all day; entirely captivated. I have been put at peace about things I would usually freak out about. I'm really behind in three of my classes. And I'm okay with that. In some ways, this peace could appear to be apathy but, it is not.

Something on Sunday came to my attention that seems rather odd to me. Sunday was to my knowledge the only time in my life that I've felt fat. I've been over-weight like since I was 11....yuck, almost ten years... but, in that whole time I never felt disgusted with my appearance. But just now I don't like my body or how it looks. I've lost 50+ lbs since November 2007, and now when my health is so much better and movement is easier and I have desire to keep being active and lose more is when I don't feel confident. I LOST 50 FREAKIN' POUNDS!!!! Why would I not be confident about that?

I think that God is funny sometimes. I end up saying that a lot. Ironic is perhaps a more accurate wording. I think we tend to see things as objectives instead the broad and vast things they actually are. In some ways I have changed the focus of why I'm trying to lose weight I want to be a man who loves and honors God. First and foremost. The Bible says that man honors God in various ways. Man sings to God, he prays, shouts, weeps, dances. I look at these in a few different categories, man honors God with mouth, heart and body. Starting out in November loosing weight was about honoring God with my body. That out of humility I would be a good steward of what He has blessed me with. And I think now perhaps, that my lack of confidence could be from changing my mind and truly wanting to do this for myself and not for God as much as it was before.

So I guess this has to be about God again...stupid vanity.


God Bless, adam

AM thoughts

I wish there was a way to record and preserve scent. I woke up this morning and while I walked to class I really loved the smell, the smell of things melting and the really late April snow disappearing. I think it is cool how God has made all of the earth around me and yet He had captivated by a scent. I just really appreciated God today.

I heard that there was supposed to be rain tonight, which will be nice but, only if there is some lightning and thunder. I think though that it will probably not be warm enough for the lightning.

My mind is slightly more focused than it has been lately I went to my music class and understood what we were covering when I couldn't understand it all last night, working on the home work. It's ok because I don't like minor scales and chording anyway. But now I understand but will probably forget as soon as school is done.

With the possible above mentioned rain, the amazing scent I smelled this morning may return tomorrow.

God bless, love Adam

Hello

I decided recently that I should start journaling again. I am a broken person. And I need God! So severely! And hello to those of you who like stumble on random blogs, just to let you know that I don't preach that much, yet. What I intend to do with this, is just talk about life, like a blog is intended for and God is my life even when I don't really act like it.

So now that we have gone through this formal introduction garbage I have lately been upset about some stuff in my life. I have recently noticed how controlling I am, not with the intention of hurting people but to "protect" myself. I am really much more shy than I let on and because of that I really don't like to let many people get close to me. I am pretty perceptive person and I am afraid of other perceptive people.

I want people to learn things about me in a controlled environment. It's frustrating to have people understand things about me that I don't tell them. Even more frustrating is that because of this desire for control, I push away those who God has made the most able to love me. There is someone lately in my life that appears to be fairly perceptive that is taking a genuine interest in friendship with me. The weird thing is, that I don't want to push her away. I don't think it is only because of her beauty, but that is still a possibility. I like a lot guys I have my moments of being shallow. She is very sweet and kind, she is fun to be around. I have no delusions of romance, so it makes possible friendship a lot less awkward.

I have been making and succeeding in efforts to be more open with people when it is appropriate, even before this realization that I push away those that love me, and that has been going pretty good.

Jesus loves you. He loves me too. So I guess I love you too.