Dressed For Success

I'm sick of trying to impress people. I know we all have this innate desire to be better than those around us but just cause it is part doesn't mean I have to like it right?
I don't want to be the guy who only finds value in what he can do i want to be somebody that has found value because God has decided to reside in me. I want to be the guy that becomes holy not because of any goodness of my own but rather God's goodness.
I made an observation tonight. As human beings are social creatures we want attention. The people I was hanging out with tonight seemed very much wanting lots of attention. I don't mean that to be judgemental or whatever but if you get pissed I really won't bend. Wanting attention isn't a bad thing in and of itself is not a bad thing but people (including myself) go about getting attention in bad ways. Like doing dangerous things, I will admit that I like doing dangerous and stupid things but my love of that is not dependent on being around people or not. Granted having spectators does make most people willing to do more but it is more or less just entertaining people with tricks like an animal.
Speaking of animals, I wish I could catch a bear and train him to ride a unicycle while playing "The Star Spangled Banner", But thats another story for another day.
I'll keep it simple, I don't know what I think about weird phenomeon but something weird has happened to me and I realized and week or so ago and I was just reminded of it again today. I have recieved atleast 1 new cut on my hands a week for about the last year and a half. it is kind of weird but i don't know if it means anything. oh well.

a change of heart

I am kind of ok with the new students, they smile really easily which I really like.
It's easy to be bitter especially when we don't completely know what we're bitter about. I don't know if bitter is the best word here but it certainly could describe my attitude. I think a more accurate way to say it is that I allowed myself to be defeated by my own crappy attitude. But I have a full school year to get to know people and I should be patient and not have false hopes in hoping that lasting friendships grow quick. huh, that wording was confusing oh well. good stuff.

i dont know what to call this one

I need to give it time i know but, i'm not really liking the new students. And i dont think its that i dont really like them but rather they're already forming their little groups and I'm too intimidated to bother talking to them . I'm going to stick with that it will talk some time.

thoughts for today

Sometimes i think it is too easy to say that I am broken and scarred by the things from my past. it seems sometimes like a plea for attention. to be honest with myself i don't have it that bad. yes there are things in my life past and present that hurt to think about and to acknowledge that they've made me different. But i still think that it is way too easy to jump onto this "I'm scarred, I'm broken." bandwagon. It actually kind of pisses me off to tell the truth. Real brokenness comes from knowing God. It doesn't come from your past it comes from the present. Brokenness is knowing that God is King and that you are nothing in comparison.

I guess what makes me mad about this is that people willingly hold onto these things, whatever they may be, from the past and don't acknowledge that God, through Christ wants to heal these 'scars'.
It reminds me of the whole "the dogs return to their vomit'',thing. people don't really want to give up their pain and the things that hurt them because A) they want to have something to be upset about; B) they want something to define them; and C) to do this means surrenduring control.

I want to be a person that submits to God. And I'm finding more and more that a large aspect of surrending control, at least in my life, is forgiving those who have hurt me, including myself and truly forgetting the wrong they have done me. That is not really easy, but it is worth doing. And forgetting in my experience is not turning a blind eye a to a problem and ignoring it but, moving on after the situation has been corrected.

We should use our past as a point of reference, not as a list of what has gone wrong with our lives but rather a reflection on journey towards better understanding and loving God.

This was probably some sort of crazy rant, but let me know what you think.

Recently

I don't exactly know how I feel. Sometimes I know that things are going really good and then it seems that one little thing tears me apart. And I cant seem to get over it until I hit something. I am working on tearing out a tree stump today so that will be what I hit.

Things have really good lately and I'm trying really hard to keep peace and balance in my life where it can be permitted. Just now I am at a point where I am trying to determine if what offends me is just a preference thing or it bothers because it's sin I'm leaning towards the former. I don't think anybody likes it but, I am sick of being a cut corner and thrown away. I know those are strong words but at the moment are rather truthful. I am at point with some people that they make my decisions for me before I am even aware of my options and that is not right but I really don't anything to complain about in time it will be resolved.

Last night after worship band practice I had a very interesting opportunity to witness to a couple guys. After practice is done I like to play basketball in the parking lot. I was playing for a few minutes and guy who lived in a nearby house came over to me. He was obviously drunk and he had a beer in his hand and told me that he could hear me playing so he wanted to come over and play HORSE. I told him the truth in that I was actually planning on leaving soon but I decided to play. If he were not drunk I would thought that he was trying to hustle me because he kept telling me that he wasn't that good but he was just making incredible shot after incredible shot. I was at HOR and a friend of his(also drunk) came out of the house to tell him that his food was almost done cooking. He introduced himself to me quickly, his name is Luke. I continued to play and the guy who first came over missed his shot and he started swearing "casually" in his discourse about missing the shot. Luke then said to him, "Dude, you cant swear in God's parking lot." I really was surprised at that. And I said "Luke, you make a good point, but you know, God loves everyone no matter who they are and what they've done." Luke then said back, "Right on, I like that, I love you man, give me a hug." So I was hugged by a drunk guy because he liked what I had to say about God. After that I quickly won the game and the guy who first came over introduced himself, his name is Chris. Chris gave me a hug because we competed and that's what competitors do, I guess.
I am just in awe of God right now. I know those guys were drunk and maybe none of what we talked about that I'm not going to write down sunk in but, God has just reminded that any effort to reach out is not a waste.
Please Pray for Luke and Chris that they would come to better know God.

What?New Post!

I haven't posted in a really long time, but I dont really think it matters as no one is reading this but this has been more of a personal way of coping with reality. I haven't really been talking to my friends lately. Pretty much my only friend that I'm keeping in regular contact with is my brother Karl but, it is not really an effort cause we leave in the same house. about half of my close friends are getting married; all with in my group of close friends, Ben to Leah and Katie to Micah. I'm honestly quite frustrated about it...not that they are getting married but rather that the whole thing makes me feel quite jealous. And I don't really feel jealous in the traditional way, I feel I've been treating them differently since they each became engaged. I'm distant from them and not bothering to communicte, i don't think that is right, but i've noticed they are not the only people i'm ignoring. i don't know when i'll change. Probably today cause i'm addressing this as a problem.

woodlands

I want to go into the woods a child and come back a man. Not like the whole deer hunting analogy, i have no reason to kill a deer, at the moment. I just wish sometimes that the whole process of growing up was more simple. that it could be done in distinct steps and not just this vague mess that it seems to be for everyone.

I spent time with a lot of people last night and it wasn't as hard to do as it's been in the past. A friend of mine said that I over-think and over-complicate almost everything in my life, so I am taking sometime from that and just kind of doing.

I am working on homework on a saturday and that is different than usual. It's late and for a class i just need points for so it'll be alright eventually.

God bless, Adam