Thank you for returning to read this post, in the words of comedian John Mulaney, "because you didn't have to and it is really easy not to do things." I'm going to post today about something that is a difficult topic; not thematically, but in that it is difficult to track and map out the consistency and inconsistencies of this issue. My last post dealt with desiring not to be identified by my hatred but rather by my love and I feel this post will at times read in a very contradictory manner to the conclusion of the last post. Something else you'll be sure to notice in this post is that I tend to go to movies and TV to better explain what is going on in my own life instead of just saying how it is. So I apologize if it ever comes across as me distancing myself from my problems without owning them because of my dissection of pop-culture. That being said, let's look at a problem presented to us by a movie.
The movie I would like to discuss is Walk The Line, the biopic about the life of Johnny Cash, starring Joaquin Phoenix. Even in movies that are supposed to be based on real-life accounts, memoirs, etc. you can never be sure if something actually happened or if some pivotal storytelling scene was completely fabricated. I say this because sometimes we get wrapped up in a story and even when we can rationalize that some larger than life event probably didn't happen as depicted we still get sucked in and end up thinking, "I didn't know that they went through that." So I don't want to get too sucked into the story but I'd like to examine a couple elements of the story.
At one point in the movie, Johnny, in a drug-fueled rage destroys the dressing room he is in after his show. Completely destroys it. He turns over the furniture, breaks mirrors, and rips a sink from the wall and floor. Again I can't say for sure that this really happened or if this element was sensationalized but it is plausible. I'm a big guy and I've knocked over large things with out even trying. I've ripped a wall-mounted sink off of the wall accidentally, it stands to reason that someone who is uninhibited by drugs could easily do these things on purpose if they wanted to. So, it is plausible that it could have happened, but why does that matter?
I think sometimes that we get caught up in the details without looking for the subtext. For this instance and this instance alone, what I mean by 'subtext' is the "glaringly obvious thing that is sitting out right in plain sight for anyone who would choose to see it, to see." For those of you reading this, that didn't understand, that was a purposely inaccurate definition of what subtext is.
We see in the movie that most of Johnny's anger was a result of constantly trying to solve his own problems through avoidance. He buried his pain in booze and pills and when he was sober he acted out because, in my estimation, being sober made him have to be alone with himself. Sobriety brings clarity and what was clear was that he was something he was disgusted with. And that is not to say that he didn't act out in rage while under the influence, he most certainly did, but it is his rage in sobriety that is most startling.
Why bring this up? Why does it matter that somebody can be deeply enraged, both intoxicated or sober? I bring it up because I feel I am like him.
No, I don't use illicit or illegal drugs, nor do I get drunk, but I often feel this rage just under the surface waiting to come out. I don't talk about it a lot, 'it' being that I am angry all the time, but all the same it seems to be a trait that hasn't gone away. Over the years, I have tried to let myself experience the peace that God gives through his Holy Spirit, yet I don't know if I've truly felt it. I feel that in so many other ways that I've been transformed and renewed in my mind;(Romans 12:2), That I can better see God's will in my life, yet anger persists.
The following will be the part of this post that will be severely disjointed and contain stream-of-consciousness writing because I don't know if for the next part I can be articulate and honest at the same time.
I have always been told that there is righteous anger, that comes out of those who react to sins against God. The prominent example being when Jesus cleared out the temple and turned over tables. I've studied this passage with great attention in both my personal study of the Bible and during my education. No matter the how's and the why's of the historical context, Jesus to me is clearly acting out of righteous anger. There have been times in my life that I know the anger and frustration I was experiencing was in fact righteous and utilized by God and there have been times where I thought that I was righteously angry and was in the wrong. There have also been times, that despite my values and my love of Jesus, I just stopped giving a damn and let it all out. When it is all said and done I don't really feel like there is any "gray area" when it comes to the Christian and acting out in anger. Yes, we're flawed, we can think we are right and act without thinking but when we take the time to think, we can see the ways in which we didn't act justly or righteously.
Something that I've come to understand while writing this, (I'll admit that I've been trying at this for over 3 months) is that when it comes to topics like this in the Bible, it is not as big as we make it. We try to rationalize and nitpick over everything that we can, but that doesn't edify Jesus. Everyone gives the standard, "Well, the Bible doesn't say it is 'wrong' to be angry but it does say that you shouldn't sin in your anger." from Ephesians 4. I think that misses the big picture though. Anyone can recite words without really understanding what they mean. What does it even mean to 'not sin' when we can't even agree about what sin is in the Church at large? I know that sounds like a rather dumb rhetorical question but the fact that it is difficult to answer without platitudes illustrates its importance. Of course one needs to keep going back to The Bible to compare themselves by, to appropriately judge their own attitudes and actions, not to justify, but to better know themselves.
For me, despite this anger that doesn't go away, with roots I can't seem to find, I know myself well. I know who I really am, I know who I am in relation to God, and I also know that God views me more favorably than I deserve. From there, I have choices to make, we all do. When we know ourselves and we know God, we have the chance to be more than our circumstances, we have the opportunity to live a real life. It might not always be pleasant; as life often isn't pleasant, but knowing God allows us to have a different reaction to the shit of this life.
I have rambled here quite a bit and was lacking eloquence and polish to my writing as promised above. I don't have all the answers. Period. I am learning though, that I have some. I am learning that my anger doesn't have to be all that I am. In short, my anger is part of me, it isn't me, no matter how dominant it seems. My God can purify me from all unrighteousness when I confess my sins and He is better showing me when my anger is taking control. I pray that peace, real peace, finds those who seek it. -ard
(I again, I'm sorry for the roughness of this writing. Hopefully you will find something useful in the muck.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment