New Posts coming, on semi more regular basis

My brother just started his own blog, abeautifulweirdness.blogger.com and though I have never felt that he and I were or are in competition, he has inspired me to post more frequently. So hopefully it meets your standards. The next post is tentatively titled "Little Big Voice: Thoughts on Humility". This however will not be posted until I get some sleep.

Time to try again.

I am typing this now so that at least at one place I know that I intend to do the following and intend to do them well. So this in some ways about trying to stay accountable.

1: I intend to finish my academic study of the writings of John (John, 1st John, 2nd John, 3rd John, Revelation). It is my goal to have this finished by May 2011.

2: I intend to write my belief statement. This will include theological and traditional beliefs and practices, and various other thoughts that belong. It is my goal to start in November 2010 and see how long it takes.

3: I intend to work on my ideas towards a publishable book on the Doctrine of the Holy Spirit. Not sure when I'll start.

thoughts on grace and how to grow in it.

Dear friends,

I am reflecting on the end of another school year. I feel in some regards this has been the least fruitful school year I have had in my entire life. I have been thinking some deep thoughts concerning my current situation and really am trying to assess where I am actually at in my life. So this is going to be difficult and messy and me. Hopefully there is some encouragement to you in the following words.

Like I said prior, this has been the most difficult school year of my life. It has been difficult for various reasons, I don't honestly know if anyone of them is more valid than the one before it but, I assure you it's multiple things. I don't think my life is too terribly difficult right now. I think there is probably more to it than I really realize. This has not been a good year for my depression, though I have never been officially diagnosed I am pretty confident that I seriously have Clinical Depression and possibly also Bi-Polar Depression. I don't want to fully give in to these possibilities but, if it is an illness I may legitimately have I am concerned about treating it. I despise anti-depressants though and do not want them.

I started this post in the beginning of May and will try and finish now in July. I feel as though I am still seeking God, right now I am aware of the passion and the joy he has given me. This is an ironic thought to me for I truly do believe that I am in the midst of serious depression but God has provided and continues to provide joy and a more realistic, less self-centered view of myself. I have recently been re-acquainted with a thought from earlier years. When you are in a period of self-loathing, stop thinking about yourself, think about others. Realistically it doesn't matter how you think about them but, stop elevating yourself in your thought life. Just because something has a negative angle to it doesn't make it any less selfish.

This is a serious concern for people all over the World, I feel. I think too often that we fall for the lie that says indulge yourself and your emotions. I think we allow ourselves to believe that narcissism only is in regard to an over-confident and arrogant view of ourselves. While in reality it starts when our own desires deceive us into believing that we have the right to focus on ourselves. We've no right to focus on ourselves!

If we're truly seeking Jesus, as we grow our focus ultimately belongs to him because he embraced sacrificial death, and now is glorified because of it.(Hebrews 12)

I feel tired but, not weary. This doesn't make sense, the post that is. It is disjointed and has a completely different focus from the beginning to the end. I believe that to mean that God has been changing my heart and attitudes some since the beginning of the post in May and the end of it in July.

Planning Phase

I know what is next but, I have sincere doubts if I will do it and if I will do it well. This is only a moment though. I have things to think about, other things to focus on. I want to lose some weight. I don't think that it has necessarily been a huge source of discouragement but, it has been a source in some capacities.

I have been concerned lately for a friend of mine. He seems really distracted and his mind seems like he is somewhere else all the time, not where it ought to be.

I am almost prepared and it is going to be fun. Thank God for inspiration and his truth. Amen.

I need to start preparing

I know what I'm going to say. I don't yet know how to say it. I'm working on that part of it all. It will happen soon. I think I need a total disconnect and then plug back in.

Empty myself

sometimes, all you can really do, is empty your self. Because it's not really as difficult as people seem to think it is. It's just a matter of really, being real. Right now I feel like I'm too full. And not really in a certain way, I really don't know in which way that I do feel full but I do. Sometimes I wish it could just be done with school, doesn't matter if I actually graduate, just want to be done. I don't know why that it is.

it's just one of those really irritating things, I now have a class that making me regret being in school, not that I regret my path in life if you want to call it that, I just don't like being a student in the structured setting. I love the people at my school, more than I think I could ever tell them, but at the same time I just really don't want to be a student here anymore. I really don't think I can do college, I know I'm going to finish out, and I know I'm going to graduate; eventually :-).

I have doubts about a lot of my relationships right now, not that they aren't great, not that they're not good, but I just have doubts about them. I really love those that I believe are close to me, a lot of people I don't even know even receive love from me, but with some of my friends I just don't even know what's going on. I know a lot of that falls on my inability to communicate with others clearly, and my difficulties keeping up with friends.

women are really weird, the idea of being attracted to multiple women in similar levels, all for good reasons, annoys me, infuriates me, and saddens me. One stands out among the rest, but even still, it is still a difficult choice. I don't even feel like I have a choice. I think I've always felt like I was unworthy of being the one who got to choose.

These are just my thoughts right now kind of off the top of my head, I'm tired, so they're a little less filtered than usual. Anyone who reads this, don't let your head play tricks on you, don't let Satan plays tricks on you, and don't let him deceive you, guard your heart. Love in our most glorious Lord. Adam.

A rant, Generic update on specific things, and possibly some stuff about God

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. Now that is not all that unusual but at the same time it seems to be about different things than I usually pay attention to. I'm letting you know now that this will be scattered at best and that there will be inconsistencies. I don't want to make this a "I'm gonna put everything on the table" type deal because if you're reading this, it means that A) You're a human and B) You've got problems too. So I don't want to just throw everything inside of me down on the table and out in the open because A) I'm not that brave and B) You're probably dealing with multiple peoples problems for I assume that you care about your friends and family. With all that being said let's do this.

Lately I've really been struggling with sin. I feel so steeped in it and feel very much like I'm drowning. My mouth and nose break the surface of the water, so at least I'm getting oxygen but, what kind life is that? There's no life there. I remember days that were better than this!!! And I don't want to be over-dramatic but, I seriously wonder where the good days went. I remember days were sin was still present but, it was easier to defeat. Days where it seemed easier to have faith that God would give me strength and encouragement to stand up against all temptation. (1 Corinthians 10:13 happening in my own life.) But, this begs the question "Is faith that's easy real faith?" Just think about that for awhile. Faith only seemed easy because I was relying on God more fully to be my help like he said he'd be. On to next thought, hopefully I'll develop it more than this one.

I've been dreaming again. Until yesterday morning I hadn't had a dream that I've remembered for quite sometime. This one was strangely cool. It started out as a friend and myself and we were making highly detailed superhero costumes based off of action figures. And they were really good too. We made all sorts of weapons for them too. It was strange. Then after we made sure to hide them from all the other people that were in my dream I went down stairs to see another friend of mine and we ate ice cream cake, which was quite good. There were a lot of people there eating the ice cream but, I can't remember who they were just the one I originally came down to meet for the ice cream cake. It was a fun dream.

I've been thinking lately about selfishness. And I think it is a big problem in my life right now. I've been sick for a little while now, sick enough to miss classes part of this past week and all I can think about in missing those classes is how selfish I am. It bothers me because of the choices I've made while not going to classes. For example, I was legitimately ill enough to not go to class but, while under the same physical duress I decide to do something social and then pass it off by saying "well, I needed to get out of the dorms anyway. I haven't been out in a few days." It's both careless towards my health and also dishonest. And I'm disgusted with myself for doing things that way. Because yes I did have some fun but, I still feel ill now and it didn't really have any benefit.

I have been sick the majority of this semester so far and I feel really defeated. I have had a few high points and I also just kept pushing on but I feel very drained, empty, and rather apathetic towards school and my education in general.

Now that I've said all that, I have just a little more to say. God despite my lack of worth has been good to me these last two months. Though it doesn't seem like I have anything to show for it, I know he has been faithful to me even though I haven't been completely faithful to him. And I know that he has protected me and kept me from other sin and shame that I don't need or want to be involved in.