A rant, Generic update on specific things, and possibly some stuff about God

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. Now that is not all that unusual but at the same time it seems to be about different things than I usually pay attention to. I'm letting you know now that this will be scattered at best and that there will be inconsistencies. I don't want to make this a "I'm gonna put everything on the table" type deal because if you're reading this, it means that A) You're a human and B) You've got problems too. So I don't want to just throw everything inside of me down on the table and out in the open because A) I'm not that brave and B) You're probably dealing with multiple peoples problems for I assume that you care about your friends and family. With all that being said let's do this.

Lately I've really been struggling with sin. I feel so steeped in it and feel very much like I'm drowning. My mouth and nose break the surface of the water, so at least I'm getting oxygen but, what kind life is that? There's no life there. I remember days that were better than this!!! And I don't want to be over-dramatic but, I seriously wonder where the good days went. I remember days were sin was still present but, it was easier to defeat. Days where it seemed easier to have faith that God would give me strength and encouragement to stand up against all temptation. (1 Corinthians 10:13 happening in my own life.) But, this begs the question "Is faith that's easy real faith?" Just think about that for awhile. Faith only seemed easy because I was relying on God more fully to be my help like he said he'd be. On to next thought, hopefully I'll develop it more than this one.

I've been dreaming again. Until yesterday morning I hadn't had a dream that I've remembered for quite sometime. This one was strangely cool. It started out as a friend and myself and we were making highly detailed superhero costumes based off of action figures. And they were really good too. We made all sorts of weapons for them too. It was strange. Then after we made sure to hide them from all the other people that were in my dream I went down stairs to see another friend of mine and we ate ice cream cake, which was quite good. There were a lot of people there eating the ice cream but, I can't remember who they were just the one I originally came down to meet for the ice cream cake. It was a fun dream.

I've been thinking lately about selfishness. And I think it is a big problem in my life right now. I've been sick for a little while now, sick enough to miss classes part of this past week and all I can think about in missing those classes is how selfish I am. It bothers me because of the choices I've made while not going to classes. For example, I was legitimately ill enough to not go to class but, while under the same physical duress I decide to do something social and then pass it off by saying "well, I needed to get out of the dorms anyway. I haven't been out in a few days." It's both careless towards my health and also dishonest. And I'm disgusted with myself for doing things that way. Because yes I did have some fun but, I still feel ill now and it didn't really have any benefit.

I have been sick the majority of this semester so far and I feel really defeated. I have had a few high points and I also just kept pushing on but I feel very drained, empty, and rather apathetic towards school and my education in general.

Now that I've said all that, I have just a little more to say. God despite my lack of worth has been good to me these last two months. Though it doesn't seem like I have anything to show for it, I know he has been faithful to me even though I haven't been completely faithful to him. And I know that he has protected me and kept me from other sin and shame that I don't need or want to be involved in.