thoughts on grace and how to grow in it.

Dear friends,

I am reflecting on the end of another school year. I feel in some regards this has been the least fruitful school year I have had in my entire life. I have been thinking some deep thoughts concerning my current situation and really am trying to assess where I am actually at in my life. So this is going to be difficult and messy and me. Hopefully there is some encouragement to you in the following words.

Like I said prior, this has been the most difficult school year of my life. It has been difficult for various reasons, I don't honestly know if anyone of them is more valid than the one before it but, I assure you it's multiple things. I don't think my life is too terribly difficult right now. I think there is probably more to it than I really realize. This has not been a good year for my depression, though I have never been officially diagnosed I am pretty confident that I seriously have Clinical Depression and possibly also Bi-Polar Depression. I don't want to fully give in to these possibilities but, if it is an illness I may legitimately have I am concerned about treating it. I despise anti-depressants though and do not want them.

I started this post in the beginning of May and will try and finish now in July. I feel as though I am still seeking God, right now I am aware of the passion and the joy he has given me. This is an ironic thought to me for I truly do believe that I am in the midst of serious depression but God has provided and continues to provide joy and a more realistic, less self-centered view of myself. I have recently been re-acquainted with a thought from earlier years. When you are in a period of self-loathing, stop thinking about yourself, think about others. Realistically it doesn't matter how you think about them but, stop elevating yourself in your thought life. Just because something has a negative angle to it doesn't make it any less selfish.

This is a serious concern for people all over the World, I feel. I think too often that we fall for the lie that says indulge yourself and your emotions. I think we allow ourselves to believe that narcissism only is in regard to an over-confident and arrogant view of ourselves. While in reality it starts when our own desires deceive us into believing that we have the right to focus on ourselves. We've no right to focus on ourselves!

If we're truly seeking Jesus, as we grow our focus ultimately belongs to him because he embraced sacrificial death, and now is glorified because of it.(Hebrews 12)

I feel tired but, not weary. This doesn't make sense, the post that is. It is disjointed and has a completely different focus from the beginning to the end. I believe that to mean that God has been changing my heart and attitudes some since the beginning of the post in May and the end of it in July.