A new post for a new thought.

I've been having some sort of writers block lately, which explains why it was so very long since a previous post. Welcome back, if you are one who actually enjoys readings my words and gaining insight towards who I am and what I think about God.
Lately I have been thinking about joy. God has given me a lot of joy in my life. Both throughout my entire life and also now more recently.
Something that I find interesting about joy is that it just is. Nothing has to happen for it be there it just is. And that's what makes it so different from happiness. Now don't get me wrong, happiness is also a very good thing but, it's really different from joy. Even in it's most basic meaning happiness is situational. Think about what other words come from that root. Happen, is the one I think of first. Happiness comes and you may enjoy it for a while but that time is limited and then if you wish to remain happy you need something else to do it.
Joy is overwhelming. And I really didn't believe that it could be overwhelming until the very first time I was overwhelmed with joy. The funny thing about it is that I can remember none of the details such as the what/why/where type things but, I remember only the feeling of overwhelming joy. It's strange and hard to explain. But, it's really cool.

I've been finding the things in my life that remind of the joy that is present in my life.

I played ultimate frisbee tonight. It is one of those things that really reminds me of how much fire and passion God has put inside of me. I'm not the best athlete there but, God is really showing me through this game how he is changing me and how I'm growing in him. I remember when I first started playing this game and how so much of my performance and my attitude in the game was based on happiness. And how I would get so upset if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I regretfully admit that during these games I would give into rage and anger and be overly aggressive because things went badly.
And while playing tonight something just really clicked for me and God gave me some good truth. Some good wisdom. The reason I would become so upset, angry, and full of rage was because I was looking for happiness in physical success. Looking back on those times I can honestly say that my attitude indicated that if I didn't win it was a waste of my time. I was looking for happiness in something that wouldn't last. I was pursuing it, obsessing over it, desiring more than was necessary and even the pursuit of this perishable happiness made me miserable...

...but thankfully tonight none of that even mattered. God being the Joy Bringer mattered. God has changed me. And he has equipped me to value his joy more than happiness.

And tonight I thank God for joy that goes beyond understanding, Ibuprofen, knee braces, back braces, and rib braces.

Recent thoughts and such

I know that I end up saying this a lot but, I feel once again that I'm in a weird spot emotionally. Needless to say, I don't really like it. I hate how easy it is to feel like everything is okay and then not be so sure if things really are okay just because of my interactions with a person here or there. Lately that has been a problem. My outlook on life in general seems to change negatively each time I talk several select people lately. Which really sucks because these are people that I really love and value.

Though I said the problem is that these people make my outlook on life change negatively, I don't know if it's really that. I think more that the problem is that my interaction with them tends to make me think and feel things that I really don't want/think I'm able to deal with right now. Excuse the rant and the whining please, I know that I am good at both but, I assure you that I hate both of those things about me.

Another thing that has come up lately is that a couple people I've really respected in my life just seem to be letting me down this year. Though I understand it is not their intention to personally cause me any grief or pain, I still feel it. If one of them or both of them happen to read this and feel convicted, well good, I guess but, that is not the point of writing this. I don't think any less of them, I just hope and pray that God will make himself known in their lives and that any possible bitterness I have welling up in my heart would be revealed to me so I can repent.

I reflect on some of the decisions I've made this past school year and wonder if I've really missed out. This may sound stupid but, Facebook tends to be a reminder, that I don't really have many friends. I see pictures of other students and the activities they do together and I feel really jealous. It frustrates me that because of the boundaries that I have not necessarily imposed on myself but still follow, that I don't really have as much fun as it looks like others have. I know I'm whining, I hate it just as much as you do but, please keep reading.

Concepts with in this idea that I've been dealing with make me realize some more things about myself. I enjoy to talk and enjoy conversations in general but at the same time, I'm not a very social person. Pretty much all the social energy I have gets divided between classes that I actually know the source material for, Choir, and a few people besides that. Which I think is kind of strange because I seem to involve myself in more than that but, I think I'll give God credit for extra energy to deal with the both the big and little things.

I wonder too, along with all of this, if I'd feel more wanted by those around me if I were more of a social person. I have decided though that no matter how much or how little I'm wanted by people that should not change how I respond to them. So I a positive note, I am trying to love others when I don't feel love from them because feelings are deceptive and may be getting a lot of love and just not know it yet.

I'm Hopeful. :)

This doesn't have a title...oh now it does.

Lately I have found myself in a really strange place, I don't exactly know what is going on in my life and though it is very confusing, I think that I'm okay with that.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship, what it is and what it ought to be and I became very convicted. I feel that I care for and deeply love those under the designation "Friend" in my life but, I started to question if that is something that I actually show them. Do my friends know that I love them? This question has been in my head for a really long time now and it still is a hard question for me to answer.

I have seen my friendships change a lot over this last year. I ended last school year with what I felt was a very well defined list of who my friends were. And though I don't want to be rude in saying this, not everyone that was on that list, is as important to me now as they once were. A trait that I have known about myself for a long time, is that I can really easily connect with people when they're around me but, when they go or I go, I disconnect very easily and don't think about them that often. I don't necessarily think this is a terrible thing but, it does create some barriers in friendship building.

With that being said, one thing that has really been irritating to me this current and almost finished school year is that people just don't seem to want to be friends. And if and when they do, it has to be some big elaborate process that ends up being cold and impersonal at best. Though I understand that not everyone is easy to approach or easy to understand, myself included, I like seeing people make efforts to get out their comfort zones in order to create a friendship. Maybe I'm being idealistic but, I think it is entirely possible to thrive outside of our comfort zones, we, myself included, have to want it. (Tangent)

This last school year there have been some friendships in which I have had to back off and let the other decide where things go. That is strange but, it is okay. Some days it feels like the most idiotic decision I've ever made and I have been missing these people that are not even 1000 feet from me. I don't like it because I'm not able to detach from them. That will get better in time though.

Right now, I don't know who my friends are but, I think that is okay. Whether or not I call someone "friend" doesn't make them any less or any more valuable to God. God loves all of us the same no matter what level of commitment we have towards other people.

Thoughts right now

It has been a while since I last posted and though I doubt that many read this or get anything from it I apologize that I've ignored this. I've been thinking a lot lately. Now that is not all that peculiar but, I have been thinking about potentially new angles on old thoughts.

As the Christmas season has passed and the new year is underway people are thinking about (in my opinion) 3 things of the past year. Those being: Things given, things received, and 'reinventing' self. For myself then, I've been thinking of these things and trying to apply them in the different areas of my life.

What Did I Give This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

What Did I Receive This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

What Did I Do To 'Reinvent' Myself This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

So you may be asking yourself, "Why did he write this longwinded (exaggeration) introduction about how he's been thinking a lot and then tell me that he has no idea and no answers for these questions?"

Well I tell you this because I don't know. I don't know and I'm ok with that. It's not because I don't care, but rather I have come to accept that although I don't know in which ways I have gived, in which ways I have received, and which ways I've been 'reinvented', I still have done these things and that is the important thing.

I think though that we need to look at this 'reinvention' thing more critically. I think sometimes that the general public thinks that 'reinventing' self is more about doing things that not only changes appearance but also changes other people's perception of the indivdual. The problem I really have with the public's concept of 'reinventing' self is two folded. 1) It's shallow. 2) It has little to do with God.
Ok so the comment on being shallow is kind of obvious. It's all about forcing people to think certain things about you and draw certain assumptions about you because of your appearance, which seems contrary to this whole "Don't put me in a box, with your judgemental labels because I'm a unique rebel" garbage that gets shoveled down our throats. So yeah, it's kind of obvious that I'm frustrated with that.
"Reinventing" self is an individual process most of the time, and as a people group we don't see it as something that involves God. I know that I act like that. Sometimes I think that my own efforts will get me to a new, better spot in life. But, the truth will ever persist to be that God is the one who makes both you and I better. He makes us new every morning and showers us with grace and mercy each day. I am pleased to say that I don't know what 'I' have done to make myself better but, I am confident that God in his blessings and mercy on me has made me a better, more complete follower of Christ over the last year. I know that I am by no means perfect and that I still have challenges to face but, I am looking forward to a new year of deeper discovery of God's word and his place in my life and my place in his life.

Another thought

I have lately been wondering about beauty. All humans have some sort of concept of beauty, granted they will differ between different people but it is a concept that is there, no matter who you are.
We have different cultural examples here and there of what beauty is. The American example of course is that women should have a large bust but a comparatively small body and a man should be a chiseled piece of rock. And there are numerous other things.

But in embracing this idea, I had to ask myself "What is beauty?"

Because I don't think that beauty can only be appearance based but, at the same time if we want to say that immaterial things can contribute to the concept, there has to be a time and place where the physical ideas of beauty has to captivate us before we can understand the immaterial beauty.

I don't think we can understand physical beauty though without an appreciation of a immaterial or spiritual beauty. And if there is truly an immaterial beauty what do we gauge that by?
I think that we have to gauge beauty by what God says about man.

I remember a while back seeing a commercial about a group that was promoting positive self-image. And it was having people, especially young women, promising to see themselves as beautiful. And my gut reaction was "What are you saying is beautiful?"

And I've been stuck in this place. What is beauty? What does God say beauty is? What is finding worth in my Savior?

I think God would probably say that being beautiful is perusing conformation and transformation to His Image.
I find my beauty in Christ my Savior, who has presented me a chance to conform to the Image of God.

A thought on beliefs.

Between two of my classes lately, I have been thinking a lot about different belief systems and how people form Worldviews. I'll admit I wasn't really concerned with the Worldview aspect but, a thought that continued to bug and come back to me and it really started to make me think.

Is it really possible that someone can completely hold on to and live out all of the things they believe?

I quickly came to an answer. NO! I was shocked at my own answer.

Isn't the point of adhering to some sort of believe system to perfect yourself compared to it?

Yes, that is the point but, you really can't do it in reality.
It is unfortunately wishful thinking to believe that you can become perfect.
In Christianity, you can't because, even though you hope to sin less the more mature you become you cannot become sinless.
In other Worldviews, you can't completely follow all of the tenets, even if you want to, because reality dictates that some of these things that people believe just cant happen.

So the major point of this for me has been self examination. It's important to me because I know what I what I believe and I know that I don't/can't yet live up to it. I have hopes though for better things to come my way.

Attempt Number 4

I have been trying to write something on here the last few nights and I just cant stick to any one thought. I had, each of the last few nights, started to write something and the out of nowhere decided it wasn't even good enough to continue writing. A continual question of not being good enough has invaded my mind and I don't exactly know why. But in the same hand this question of not being good enough has provoked another question.

"Who am I not good enough for?"

Do you ever stop and ask yourself that question when in a moment of strong self doubt? I forget to. A lot. The "Who" in that question is probably more important than the fact that you obviously don't feel adequate(although that is important too.) Who do we try to impress in our attempts to become better? A friend, spouse, some significant other, your boss, a random stranger, or do you do this with God?

I find myself trying to impress God quite a bit. I don't think though that he wants to be impressed. I think that God wants our hearts and because he has our hearts, we will become better.

I don't think that God would even want to be impressed with us. First off I don't think God could be impressed with us. Because really what are we? Check Psalm 8. "What is man that you are mindful of him? What is man that you care for him?"

We are insignificantly significant and I think I can be okay with that. Can you?

We are not made to show off, be prideful, or boastful, and I'm sick of myself when I do these things.

So back to the question, "Who am I not good enough for?" I think that the World encourages us to never settle. To type that feels contrary to my nature, to even acknowledge that in some ways settling is a Christian virtue and not a Worldly virtue. And maybe it's not so much that settling is a Christian virtue but rather that we strive and have aspirations for different things.

Am I good enough for God? This is the next question that just naturally came. I think that the answer that came shocked me even though it is true for me and the truth for you as well and will always be true. We are good enough for God. He loves as we are and when we come to him, anything that is not right before him, he will heal in time if we let him. And so now another question.

"Who am I good enough for?"

The Creator and Master of the Universe. That's who.