This doesn't have a title...oh now it does.

Lately I have found myself in a really strange place, I don't exactly know what is going on in my life and though it is very confusing, I think that I'm okay with that.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship, what it is and what it ought to be and I became very convicted. I feel that I care for and deeply love those under the designation "Friend" in my life but, I started to question if that is something that I actually show them. Do my friends know that I love them? This question has been in my head for a really long time now and it still is a hard question for me to answer.

I have seen my friendships change a lot over this last year. I ended last school year with what I felt was a very well defined list of who my friends were. And though I don't want to be rude in saying this, not everyone that was on that list, is as important to me now as they once were. A trait that I have known about myself for a long time, is that I can really easily connect with people when they're around me but, when they go or I go, I disconnect very easily and don't think about them that often. I don't necessarily think this is a terrible thing but, it does create some barriers in friendship building.

With that being said, one thing that has really been irritating to me this current and almost finished school year is that people just don't seem to want to be friends. And if and when they do, it has to be some big elaborate process that ends up being cold and impersonal at best. Though I understand that not everyone is easy to approach or easy to understand, myself included, I like seeing people make efforts to get out their comfort zones in order to create a friendship. Maybe I'm being idealistic but, I think it is entirely possible to thrive outside of our comfort zones, we, myself included, have to want it. (Tangent)

This last school year there have been some friendships in which I have had to back off and let the other decide where things go. That is strange but, it is okay. Some days it feels like the most idiotic decision I've ever made and I have been missing these people that are not even 1000 feet from me. I don't like it because I'm not able to detach from them. That will get better in time though.

Right now, I don't know who my friends are but, I think that is okay. Whether or not I call someone "friend" doesn't make them any less or any more valuable to God. God loves all of us the same no matter what level of commitment we have towards other people.