Recent thoughts and such

I know that I end up saying this a lot but, I feel once again that I'm in a weird spot emotionally. Needless to say, I don't really like it. I hate how easy it is to feel like everything is okay and then not be so sure if things really are okay just because of my interactions with a person here or there. Lately that has been a problem. My outlook on life in general seems to change negatively each time I talk several select people lately. Which really sucks because these are people that I really love and value.

Though I said the problem is that these people make my outlook on life change negatively, I don't know if it's really that. I think more that the problem is that my interaction with them tends to make me think and feel things that I really don't want/think I'm able to deal with right now. Excuse the rant and the whining please, I know that I am good at both but, I assure you that I hate both of those things about me.

Another thing that has come up lately is that a couple people I've really respected in my life just seem to be letting me down this year. Though I understand it is not their intention to personally cause me any grief or pain, I still feel it. If one of them or both of them happen to read this and feel convicted, well good, I guess but, that is not the point of writing this. I don't think any less of them, I just hope and pray that God will make himself known in their lives and that any possible bitterness I have welling up in my heart would be revealed to me so I can repent.

I reflect on some of the decisions I've made this past school year and wonder if I've really missed out. This may sound stupid but, Facebook tends to be a reminder, that I don't really have many friends. I see pictures of other students and the activities they do together and I feel really jealous. It frustrates me that because of the boundaries that I have not necessarily imposed on myself but still follow, that I don't really have as much fun as it looks like others have. I know I'm whining, I hate it just as much as you do but, please keep reading.

Concepts with in this idea that I've been dealing with make me realize some more things about myself. I enjoy to talk and enjoy conversations in general but at the same time, I'm not a very social person. Pretty much all the social energy I have gets divided between classes that I actually know the source material for, Choir, and a few people besides that. Which I think is kind of strange because I seem to involve myself in more than that but, I think I'll give God credit for extra energy to deal with the both the big and little things.

I wonder too, along with all of this, if I'd feel more wanted by those around me if I were more of a social person. I have decided though that no matter how much or how little I'm wanted by people that should not change how I respond to them. So I a positive note, I am trying to love others when I don't feel love from them because feelings are deceptive and may be getting a lot of love and just not know it yet.

I'm Hopeful. :)