This doesn't have a title...oh now it does.

Lately I have found myself in a really strange place, I don't exactly know what is going on in my life and though it is very confusing, I think that I'm okay with that.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship, what it is and what it ought to be and I became very convicted. I feel that I care for and deeply love those under the designation "Friend" in my life but, I started to question if that is something that I actually show them. Do my friends know that I love them? This question has been in my head for a really long time now and it still is a hard question for me to answer.

I have seen my friendships change a lot over this last year. I ended last school year with what I felt was a very well defined list of who my friends were. And though I don't want to be rude in saying this, not everyone that was on that list, is as important to me now as they once were. A trait that I have known about myself for a long time, is that I can really easily connect with people when they're around me but, when they go or I go, I disconnect very easily and don't think about them that often. I don't necessarily think this is a terrible thing but, it does create some barriers in friendship building.

With that being said, one thing that has really been irritating to me this current and almost finished school year is that people just don't seem to want to be friends. And if and when they do, it has to be some big elaborate process that ends up being cold and impersonal at best. Though I understand that not everyone is easy to approach or easy to understand, myself included, I like seeing people make efforts to get out their comfort zones in order to create a friendship. Maybe I'm being idealistic but, I think it is entirely possible to thrive outside of our comfort zones, we, myself included, have to want it. (Tangent)

This last school year there have been some friendships in which I have had to back off and let the other decide where things go. That is strange but, it is okay. Some days it feels like the most idiotic decision I've ever made and I have been missing these people that are not even 1000 feet from me. I don't like it because I'm not able to detach from them. That will get better in time though.

Right now, I don't know who my friends are but, I think that is okay. Whether or not I call someone "friend" doesn't make them any less or any more valuable to God. God loves all of us the same no matter what level of commitment we have towards other people.

Thoughts right now

It has been a while since I last posted and though I doubt that many read this or get anything from it I apologize that I've ignored this. I've been thinking a lot lately. Now that is not all that peculiar but, I have been thinking about potentially new angles on old thoughts.

As the Christmas season has passed and the new year is underway people are thinking about (in my opinion) 3 things of the past year. Those being: Things given, things received, and 'reinventing' self. For myself then, I've been thinking of these things and trying to apply them in the different areas of my life.

What Did I Give This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

What Did I Receive This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

What Did I Do To 'Reinvent' Myself This Last Year? - To be fully honest with you I don't know.

So you may be asking yourself, "Why did he write this longwinded (exaggeration) introduction about how he's been thinking a lot and then tell me that he has no idea and no answers for these questions?"

Well I tell you this because I don't know. I don't know and I'm ok with that. It's not because I don't care, but rather I have come to accept that although I don't know in which ways I have gived, in which ways I have received, and which ways I've been 'reinvented', I still have done these things and that is the important thing.

I think though that we need to look at this 'reinvention' thing more critically. I think sometimes that the general public thinks that 'reinventing' self is more about doing things that not only changes appearance but also changes other people's perception of the indivdual. The problem I really have with the public's concept of 'reinventing' self is two folded. 1) It's shallow. 2) It has little to do with God.
Ok so the comment on being shallow is kind of obvious. It's all about forcing people to think certain things about you and draw certain assumptions about you because of your appearance, which seems contrary to this whole "Don't put me in a box, with your judgemental labels because I'm a unique rebel" garbage that gets shoveled down our throats. So yeah, it's kind of obvious that I'm frustrated with that.
"Reinventing" self is an individual process most of the time, and as a people group we don't see it as something that involves God. I know that I act like that. Sometimes I think that my own efforts will get me to a new, better spot in life. But, the truth will ever persist to be that God is the one who makes both you and I better. He makes us new every morning and showers us with grace and mercy each day. I am pleased to say that I don't know what 'I' have done to make myself better but, I am confident that God in his blessings and mercy on me has made me a better, more complete follower of Christ over the last year. I know that I am by no means perfect and that I still have challenges to face but, I am looking forward to a new year of deeper discovery of God's word and his place in my life and my place in his life.

Another thought

I have lately been wondering about beauty. All humans have some sort of concept of beauty, granted they will differ between different people but it is a concept that is there, no matter who you are.
We have different cultural examples here and there of what beauty is. The American example of course is that women should have a large bust but a comparatively small body and a man should be a chiseled piece of rock. And there are numerous other things.

But in embracing this idea, I had to ask myself "What is beauty?"

Because I don't think that beauty can only be appearance based but, at the same time if we want to say that immaterial things can contribute to the concept, there has to be a time and place where the physical ideas of beauty has to captivate us before we can understand the immaterial beauty.

I don't think we can understand physical beauty though without an appreciation of a immaterial or spiritual beauty. And if there is truly an immaterial beauty what do we gauge that by?
I think that we have to gauge beauty by what God says about man.

I remember a while back seeing a commercial about a group that was promoting positive self-image. And it was having people, especially young women, promising to see themselves as beautiful. And my gut reaction was "What are you saying is beautiful?"

And I've been stuck in this place. What is beauty? What does God say beauty is? What is finding worth in my Savior?

I think God would probably say that being beautiful is perusing conformation and transformation to His Image.
I find my beauty in Christ my Savior, who has presented me a chance to conform to the Image of God.

A thought on beliefs.

Between two of my classes lately, I have been thinking a lot about different belief systems and how people form Worldviews. I'll admit I wasn't really concerned with the Worldview aspect but, a thought that continued to bug and come back to me and it really started to make me think.

Is it really possible that someone can completely hold on to and live out all of the things they believe?

I quickly came to an answer. NO! I was shocked at my own answer.

Isn't the point of adhering to some sort of believe system to perfect yourself compared to it?

Yes, that is the point but, you really can't do it in reality.
It is unfortunately wishful thinking to believe that you can become perfect.
In Christianity, you can't because, even though you hope to sin less the more mature you become you cannot become sinless.
In other Worldviews, you can't completely follow all of the tenets, even if you want to, because reality dictates that some of these things that people believe just cant happen.

So the major point of this for me has been self examination. It's important to me because I know what I what I believe and I know that I don't/can't yet live up to it. I have hopes though for better things to come my way.

Attempt Number 4

I have been trying to write something on here the last few nights and I just cant stick to any one thought. I had, each of the last few nights, started to write something and the out of nowhere decided it wasn't even good enough to continue writing. A continual question of not being good enough has invaded my mind and I don't exactly know why. But in the same hand this question of not being good enough has provoked another question.

"Who am I not good enough for?"

Do you ever stop and ask yourself that question when in a moment of strong self doubt? I forget to. A lot. The "Who" in that question is probably more important than the fact that you obviously don't feel adequate(although that is important too.) Who do we try to impress in our attempts to become better? A friend, spouse, some significant other, your boss, a random stranger, or do you do this with God?

I find myself trying to impress God quite a bit. I don't think though that he wants to be impressed. I think that God wants our hearts and because he has our hearts, we will become better.

I don't think that God would even want to be impressed with us. First off I don't think God could be impressed with us. Because really what are we? Check Psalm 8. "What is man that you are mindful of him? What is man that you care for him?"

We are insignificantly significant and I think I can be okay with that. Can you?

We are not made to show off, be prideful, or boastful, and I'm sick of myself when I do these things.

So back to the question, "Who am I not good enough for?" I think that the World encourages us to never settle. To type that feels contrary to my nature, to even acknowledge that in some ways settling is a Christian virtue and not a Worldly virtue. And maybe it's not so much that settling is a Christian virtue but rather that we strive and have aspirations for different things.

Am I good enough for God? This is the next question that just naturally came. I think that the answer that came shocked me even though it is true for me and the truth for you as well and will always be true. We are good enough for God. He loves as we are and when we come to him, anything that is not right before him, he will heal in time if we let him. And so now another question.

"Who am I good enough for?"

The Creator and Master of the Universe. That's who.

A new idea(well an old idea but, I'm trying to accept it again)

I think I'm going to let today worry about today.

Experiment

Sometimes we do odd things in order to understand the world around and ourselves. I think that this is typically a good thing. We test our limits. We try and get a better idea of these limits too. I don't have any other reason for why we do these things, besides that we want to understand. We want more knowledge of things that are not necessarily unknown but rather abstract in a way.
Scientists do this all the time. They take a concept that is either foreign or maybe just something that no one has really thought about in a while and then they test it.
I think sometimes that we wonder if God is like a scientist. I accept that God knows everything, so he's not looking to gain more knowledge but, sometimes it seems that with the things we go through in life are merely tests, or experiments, if you will, that serve only to show how much stress we can take before we snap. I think that sometimes we could even relate our individual relationships with God to a post-mortem bone density test.(basically they put a bone in a vice and measure the pressure it takes to snap the bone.)
But I don't think we could, in all sincerity, veiw God like this truthfully. Granted there are times that in our relationship with God we have growing pains and we are stretched but, it is not in God's character to stretch us so far that we snap. God is a loving god! And that is why we go through different times of stretching and growth.
In some ways this may seem contrary but, it is truth. God loves us enough to let us get hurt. He doesn't go out of his way to make sure that we are in pain or agony but, he lets the decisions we make effect us positively or negatively depending on what we are really looking for.

So back to this concept of experiments... I have no clue how long this will take but, I'm going to try to do it anyway.
I have a brick and I am going to put a hole through it. I will only use my fingers. I will poke the brick in the same spot with each of my four fingers on my left hand 25 times(100) before I go to bed.
There are two goals. One is that I will be able to wear a hole through a brick. And a secondary goal is that I will toughen up my finger tips a bit more for guitar and bass playing.