Attempt Number 4

I have been trying to write something on here the last few nights and I just cant stick to any one thought. I had, each of the last few nights, started to write something and the out of nowhere decided it wasn't even good enough to continue writing. A continual question of not being good enough has invaded my mind and I don't exactly know why. But in the same hand this question of not being good enough has provoked another question.

"Who am I not good enough for?"

Do you ever stop and ask yourself that question when in a moment of strong self doubt? I forget to. A lot. The "Who" in that question is probably more important than the fact that you obviously don't feel adequate(although that is important too.) Who do we try to impress in our attempts to become better? A friend, spouse, some significant other, your boss, a random stranger, or do you do this with God?

I find myself trying to impress God quite a bit. I don't think though that he wants to be impressed. I think that God wants our hearts and because he has our hearts, we will become better.

I don't think that God would even want to be impressed with us. First off I don't think God could be impressed with us. Because really what are we? Check Psalm 8. "What is man that you are mindful of him? What is man that you care for him?"

We are insignificantly significant and I think I can be okay with that. Can you?

We are not made to show off, be prideful, or boastful, and I'm sick of myself when I do these things.

So back to the question, "Who am I not good enough for?" I think that the World encourages us to never settle. To type that feels contrary to my nature, to even acknowledge that in some ways settling is a Christian virtue and not a Worldly virtue. And maybe it's not so much that settling is a Christian virtue but rather that we strive and have aspirations for different things.

Am I good enough for God? This is the next question that just naturally came. I think that the answer that came shocked me even though it is true for me and the truth for you as well and will always be true. We are good enough for God. He loves as we are and when we come to him, anything that is not right before him, he will heal in time if we let him. And so now another question.

"Who am I good enough for?"

The Creator and Master of the Universe. That's who.

A new idea(well an old idea but, I'm trying to accept it again)

I think I'm going to let today worry about today.

Experiment

Sometimes we do odd things in order to understand the world around and ourselves. I think that this is typically a good thing. We test our limits. We try and get a better idea of these limits too. I don't have any other reason for why we do these things, besides that we want to understand. We want more knowledge of things that are not necessarily unknown but rather abstract in a way.
Scientists do this all the time. They take a concept that is either foreign or maybe just something that no one has really thought about in a while and then they test it.
I think sometimes that we wonder if God is like a scientist. I accept that God knows everything, so he's not looking to gain more knowledge but, sometimes it seems that with the things we go through in life are merely tests, or experiments, if you will, that serve only to show how much stress we can take before we snap. I think that sometimes we could even relate our individual relationships with God to a post-mortem bone density test.(basically they put a bone in a vice and measure the pressure it takes to snap the bone.)
But I don't think we could, in all sincerity, veiw God like this truthfully. Granted there are times that in our relationship with God we have growing pains and we are stretched but, it is not in God's character to stretch us so far that we snap. God is a loving god! And that is why we go through different times of stretching and growth.
In some ways this may seem contrary but, it is truth. God loves us enough to let us get hurt. He doesn't go out of his way to make sure that we are in pain or agony but, he lets the decisions we make effect us positively or negatively depending on what we are really looking for.

So back to this concept of experiments... I have no clue how long this will take but, I'm going to try to do it anyway.
I have a brick and I am going to put a hole through it. I will only use my fingers. I will poke the brick in the same spot with each of my four fingers on my left hand 25 times(100) before I go to bed.
There are two goals. One is that I will be able to wear a hole through a brick. And a secondary goal is that I will toughen up my finger tips a bit more for guitar and bass playing.

Another one of those ones

Sometimes it seems that I rarely ever talk about things on an emotional level, in some extremes I have been called a robot in how little it seems that I go off of emotions. Emotions are good, don't get me wrong but, sometimes it also seems that people go off of their emotions too much.
I think that people, myself included, to find more of a middle ground. Like I said before emotions are important but so is self control. The Bible talks a whole lot more about self control than it does being in touch with your emotions. Actually I don't think the Bible really says anything about emotions.
Now I don't say that to be antagonistic but I do say that fully accepting it as truth. I do however think that emotions falls into the realm of what needs to be controlled. Emotions are a part of 'self'.
I don't know I'm just being a little weird. oh well.

Challenges

I know that each day presents it's own little challenges but, sometimes I wish that I could know when I'm being challenged. This isn't necessarily a new thought but it is kind of new to me. I don't really like some of the challenges I come across in my life whether I have conquered or fail challenges I have not been a huge fan.
But, I'm reminded that this is what Christian life is about. The Christian walk or journey, if you will, is full of personal challenges and also challenges that effect more than just you and me. Sometimes though I feel that I would like to get past all that, but I continually remember that I shouldn't give up. I see people giving up all the time and it's frustrating. I feel that people give up way too easily.
Don't get me wrong, there are times in our lives that giving up, in some capacities, is far more effective and beneficial to our overall goal, but most of the time when people do give up it is because something is "Too hard". I find myself saying that sometimes and when I hear myself say that I am quite honestly sickened with myself. I know there are times when saying something is "Too hard" happens to be merely acknowledging the fact that whatever it is that we are trying to achieve may be outside of our levels of skill but many times when people say something is "Too hard" they've only looked at a problem or an obstacle in a couple ways and have not even dug into their full potential.

Oh great, I've turned this into another rant.

I am however pleased lately, to see people rise to the occasion and continue to go after and achieve things that are difficult. Things that hurt to gain. Things you have to sacrifice for. Sacrifice is never 'fun' but it is beneficial.

untitled poem

I wrote this last april.

Sometimes I think about the color of the soul.
Like the soul is not tangible, I know but,
I think it maybe might just be,
Something you can see.
And if you can see it
It’s blue and yellow I bet.
Not green not a mixture of the two.
It’s both, separated.
I remember the times,
When others would try to blow minds
By being creative,
By writing Christian poetry.
And they’d talk about the S-O-N sunshine,
It didn’t make sense but, I would find the truth
in their scrawled out lines.
I have no rights to say I’m creative,
I’m given this mind to use, not waste it.
I’ve wasted it before
and ended up on the floor
bruised and broken
wheezing and choking
on blood pouring out of my mouth
welling up from my heart.
Lord God, once again give me a new start
find the inadequacies in me
that I won’t let them see.
and throw me in the fire
to burn away life’s living mire.
the impurities in this heart that sit
make me worthless and ill-equipped.
forget the analogy, and
let’s say what this actually.
The sin I put inside of me
has torn myself from Thee.
And my heart feels hot and cold…
…and I wonder why I’m rhyming consistently.
Could it be that I’m enamored
with the God who has hammered
out my dings and nicks
and has made me a new creation
prepared to worship in all situations.

I've been thinking

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me, within the context of me trying to grow in Christ. I know that all Christians have these moments but, I guess I've just been contemplating and entertaining these thoughts for a little while.
One thing that I came across in my reflections on scripture yesterday was that I don't nearly take sin seriously enough.
Not that I think that sin ought to be revered or anything like that(mainly cause that's heresy) but, I rarely ever stop and say or even really think "This will kill me if I keep doing this."
Somewhere along the way the American church has lost the gravity of sin.
I cant help but, believe that when Jesus went to the cross with the full intention of dying, that he knew the severity and the gravity of the ramifications of his actions. He took on everyone's sin. And he did so with seriousness and purpose.
What am I trying to say here.
Quite simply that the fact that I don't drop down to my knees and beg forgiveness, the moment I am aware of my sin is appalling. Granted, I cannot perfectly examine my heart and know or understand all that's there but, these thoughts have just made me aware of how numb I am to my own depravity.
I know this can be true of others so I am now turning this on to the reader. How often do you lay your heart out before the Lord in humility asking God to show you where sin, vile, disgusting sin lies? How often do you surrender your desires to give yourself more fully to God?
God is good and forgiving but he is also holy and no unclean thing can be in his presence. Ask God to bless you with cleanliness and that he would purge you of sin.